stuff that annoys me: Job Hunting Bullshit

Noticed I haven't posted in a while; life'll do that to you.

Anyways, after a trip to Chicago and much general despair about the future I have thrown myself back into the job market--without much success, I might add. But when looking for a job, it's not the recession or lack of opportunity that pisses me off the most; it's dealing with assholes and their bullshit.

Because the amount of bullshit one deals with when finding a job is immense, it has become necessary in the course of human events to categorize them for my blogging ease:

1. The Application

Forget the interview: first things first, it helps to know if a business is even hiring. Unfortunately, instead of a simple yes or no, jobs have become notorious for the following:

          Jobseeker: Are you hiring?

          Well-Meaning Asshole: We're always accepting applications.

No, dipshit, I didn't ask if you were accepting applications, I asked if you were fucking hiring! But, as my date has pointed out numerous times, managers love to have a backlog of applications sitting in some bottom drawer in their desk so when the time comes that some current employee has has enough of their bullshit, the boss can pull out one of these papers and call up someone who moved on and found another job months ago. Heaven forbid anyone ever tries to call in wanting a job in the near future.

But let's say that, yes, they are indeed hiring and you come to fill out an application. You sit down, take 30 minutes to fill out the same information five separate times, take their stupid test to make sure you're not an obvious subversive, and, well, you're on your way. Chances are, that's the last you'll ever deal with those people. Yep, they want you to waste your precious time and effort so you can fill out an application that will most likely end up in a dumpster by the end of the week. Or if they're environmentally conscious they'll tell you to go home and apply online so you don't waste their paper on your sorry job-hunting attempts. And remember, you don't have a job: how the fuck are you paying for all this transportation?

2. The Contact

So perhaps my pessimism is misplaced: you came in or called or whatever and they gave you a number. Maybe it's the manager. Maybe it's the hiring associate. Maybe it's Tim the Janitor, how the hell are you supposed to know? And you're thinking, "Damn, this must be good; they probably don't give every applicant a number to call." And so you call--and the person isn't working that day, try two days from now. And then you call two days from now--and the person doesn't work this shift, try calling a bit later. So you call a bit later--and they're really sorry, but that person is really busy right now doing really important stuff. If you'd like, they'll pass your number on to them and they'll give you a call when they have the time. Two weeks later when you're living under a bridge, you get a call saying they've accepted someone else for the position but "we're always accepting applications!" And that's if you're lucky; more than likely you'll just never hear from them again.

Is my pessimism still misplaced?

Never, ever, ever think for a second that someone saying they'll call you is a good sign. Maybe they'll call you and all will go well--from my experience it's way to get you to stop calling them so they can forget about you. If they haven't given you a straight answer about coming in for an interview by now chances are they never will.

3. The Interview

Nevermind, they actually did call you back! Or maybe you actually reached them when you called. Whatever: point is they want you to come in on so-and-so day and set up an interview. Yes! You're so close, this is it. You start planning to reimburse everyone you borrowed money from, you start thinking about how you can actually pay the cell phone bill this month. You're excited. So-and-so day comes, you go to the interview, you're looking nice and feeling great and----

"Wait, wait, you don't have two years of customer service experience?"
"Yes I do, actually. I telemarketed for about a year and then worked for Chick-fil-A and..."
"No, no, we're sorry. You need two years of customer service experience."

And then it's over. You're back at step one: find job.

Substitute whatever excuse you'd like for the above conversation: don't have a car, don't have whatever certifications, can't work this specific shift, aren't fluent in Japanese. Ideally these things would have come up before they called you in for an interview--you know, like maybe listed in the qualifications or job description. But if the world was ideal then you wouldn't be unemployed in the first place now, would you?

Perhaps these things did come up during the qualifications talk and lo and behold, you're qualified! So they'll give you a call within 24 hours or 48 hours or insert any arbitrary number of hours you like there. 24 hours comes and goes. 48 hours comes and goes. You call (see section 2: "The Contact" above for how that goes). Eventually you reach someone--maybe the person who interviewed you, maybe not. The result is the same: they didn't hire you, sorry. And stop calling us.

Why can't people call when they say they will? Why can't they be reached when they asked you to call? Why can't they tell you upfront what they're looking--and not looking--for? And heaven forbid, is anyone actually hiring and not just accepting applications?! I tell you why: they don't give a fuck. You're one person in a hundred, a thousand, a million to them. What do they care if you can't pay your phone bill that month? Hence all the bullshit--and why it's easy to want to give up despite that fact that you're mother is screaming at you to move the hell out of her basement. Normally I would end this essay with something slightly upbeat or at least a witty aside. All I can say today is: Job is hunting is like life: you're just chasing after the wind.

And a Special Aside for Craigslist Job Posts

Craigslist has long been a go-to place for me to find jobs, even though I'm trying to break the habit due to the majority of posts being telemarketing/sales/commission crapshit jobs. Which makes sense: it's craigslist and they just need some dipshit--any dipshit--to do menial gruntwork that no other self-respecting jobseeker would do. Craigslist is for the desperate on both sides, employers and employees.

However, in my adventures on craigslist there always seems to be these crabby sons-of-bitches posting things such as the following on craigslist: 

I am seeking a Screen Print Pressman. You must be able to prove you know how to run an automatic press and print manually as well.
I am currently short staffed and need someone who can show up on time and stay late when needed. (we pay overtime rates for this)
We print the very best t-shirts so you should be willing to learn how to do what we do the way we do it.
If you have the skills and the knowledge to lead we can teach the rest but I need someone who is seeking a long term job, who takes pride in their craft.
Don't wast my time if you don't know anything about t-shirt printing.
The perfect candidate should look like this:
2 years or more experience running an automatic 12 color press. Is mature enough to have a good work ethic. Pays attention to the schedule and tries to meet deadlines.
Stays late to finish when its needed to make the deadlines. Helps other be more than they are. Takes instruction well, remembers instruction well 

And then he has the balls to post this afterwards: 

A good pressman leads by example not by command.

Maybe it's just me, but there seems to be a helluva lot of commands in the previous short paragraph. Here's a bastard using craigslist to hopefully find someone with very specific skills, a willingness to work overtime, a lot of experience, sights towards a career, and is apparently okay with being his bitch. There was a name and number posted as well, but because I try to avoid being a total bitch I left it out (besides, you can always google it if you're that concerned). But let's just call the guy who posted this Bob. Bob does note that he is short-staffed. Dear Bob: with a post like this you'll remain short-staffed! I mean the guy writes "you should be willing to learn how to do what we do the way we do it." Yeah, because anti-innovation and lack of self-direction always motivates me to apply for a job.

And then there's the dickheads on craigslist asking for bachelor degrees or higher as part of the job qualifications. Which would seem well enough--people with bachelor degrees do search craigslist for jobs--but they're almost always for shit jobs like receptionist or office associate or wiping snot off two-year-olds' noses. If I have a fucking bachelor's degree then why the fuck am I going to come in and be your gopher-lackey? I often feel very compelled to contact these companies with the reply: "Have you ever thought about why, perhaps, you currently have a vacancy for this position? Because you expect way too much for much too little."

When I'm queen of the world, these are the rules I would set down for posting a job ad on craigslist:

1. If you're not desperate, look elsewhere.
2. If you require specialized, uncommon skills, look elsewhere.
3. If you want a fucking certified teacher to babysit at your daycare, please look the fuck elsewhere!
4. If the only way potential candidates can contact you is by fax number, please buy a computer or cell phone--and use it.
5. If you don't want people to call or email you, don't fucking put a phone number or email address in your post.
6. And to you motherfuckers who don't want email attachments: stop. Just stop.

So, to those of you who have somehow found good jobs amidst all this bullshit: please comment how. The rest of us need to know.